paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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