The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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