I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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