How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
