I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
