Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize