it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
