Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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