Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
