you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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