Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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