Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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