it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
