It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize