I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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