I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
