Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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