How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
