remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
