No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Found your dick twin last night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
