I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
