Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
