For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
