why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
