Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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