ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize