I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
