I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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