Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
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