I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
