I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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