I haven't been this sober since birth.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
