i don't like sucking hair
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
