So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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