she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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