my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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