Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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