I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
