I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
