ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize