If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize