Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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