is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
