My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
