just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
