I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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