just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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