The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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