i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Randomize
