The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
