My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
