I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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