Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
