Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
