i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
