I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
