New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
