Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
