Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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