RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize