the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
