i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
